Grief is the price we pay for love – Queen Elizabeth II.
On Thursday, 8 September 2022, Queen Elizabeth II died.
What followed after her death was played out with precision. The plans put in place were referred to as “Operation London Bridge.” These events included the proclamation of her eldest son as the new monarch, and the orchestrated funeral ceremonies in Westminster Abbey and Windsor Castle.
The Queen’s family had been preparing for this day. As being royalty, the measures would be on view, for the world to see.
But how many of us can say we’d know what to do if we lost a parent? What would be our first step regarding who to call and what to do? What rituals would we rely on, and what ceremonies would feel right?
Although it’s grim to imagine the death of a parent, there’s something to be said about having plans in place for that dreaded day.
Start the conversation
We rehearse for happy family occasions such as weddings and prepare for life-threatening events with fire drills. But when it comes to death, we prefer not to talk about it, leaving us completely unprepared.
People’s cultural backgrounds and family expectations may dictate certain customs regarding death. Yet beyond traditions, how many have discussed what would happen in the event of a parent’s passing?
It’s not an easy conversation to have, but worth having if we’re still lucky enough to have a parent or parents alive.
You want to honour their wishes
I recently started the conversation with my parents by letting them know I wanted to honour their wishes.
It can lessen their anxiety or fear of keeping it to themselves. Making this request can also be a bonding moment, as it’s a chance to discuss your feelings about what you believe happens at or after death.
Would they want a funeral, a cremation, or a celebration of life? Perhaps there’s a favourite poem, song or photo they wish to be remembered by?
By having these conversations, you’ll discover new things about them that maybe you never knew. And looking back, you’ll be glad you asked.
Plan for their future care
The road to getting older is fraught with concerns about medical care. Since the pandemic, in the UK, we have a backlog of more than 6 million people on the NHS waiting lists. We can no longer rely solely on our public healthcare system.
I spoke to a friend whose mother’s health had sadly declined. My friend spent thousands of pounds building an extension to her home so her mother could move in. Even after that, she still couldn’t give her the 24-hour care she needed. She eventually had to move her into a full-time nursing home.
The average cost for elderly residential care is now £888 per week. That’s four times the average nursery costs in this country, and it’s a commitment for an unknown amount of time.
Put money aside
My friend is now in the ‘sandwich generation’, along with many people in their 30-50s. She’s squeezed between looking after her young children and caring for her older parents. It’s an expensive place to be that can leave many bankrupt.
I remember facing a similar situation when my mother needed care that couldn’t be provided by the NHS. My family and I were left scrambling to raise money.
Since then, my siblings and I have started a medical fund. Each month, we put money towards any future medical care our parents may need. It still may not be enough, but it’s a start, and it feels good to be doing something proactive.
Urge them to set up a will
I encouraged my parents to set up a will. It’s not about knowing what’s in it, but knowing they have one in place that will give your family some peace of mind.
I’ve seen squabbles erupt where there hasn’t been a will set up. You truly witness the best and worst of families during divorce or death.
If your parents were to die without a will, their property and belongings would go directly to their legal default, which might not be their wish.
If they have a legal partner or spouse, it will automatically go to them. Next in line are the children. If they have two or more children, their estate would be equally divided. Therefore, it helps to not be surprised by any additional children your parents may have. Otherwise, it’s only after death that the family secrets come out.
Preparing a will means you too
It’s also never too early for you to have a will. If you’re not married and have no children, your estate would get allocated in the following order: your parents, full siblings, half-siblings, grandparents, uncles and aunts (then their children), half-uncles and half-aunts (then their children).
I assume you would prefer to choose the close relatives, friends, charities or causes you want your estate to go to, instead of letting the state decide. And if you’re married, with children, hopefully, leave them with life insurance.
Ultimately, it’s not just about your loved ones being taken care of; it’s also about making sure they too can honour your wishes one day, when the time comes.
This was a great reminder to create and/or update a will. It’s true that we spend so much time preparing for wonderful moments but so little time on the difficult ones. Great read.
Thank you lady S!